Bishop Ef Tendero was teaching once about conflict in Toronto and I still remember what he said: "When two or three are gathered . . . . . there will be conflict." This is so true. There will be those who will offend and those who will be offended. Forgiveness is a command to all and its not an option. A person who can not forgive is really in sin though he is the offended party. It is not even conditional to the other person's asking for forgiveness sincerely. And since forgiveness helps the offended more than the offender, it is vital that we forgive in our hearts even when the offender do not ask for forgiveness.
Observe how much our hearts deteriorate when we do not forgive:
"And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." Ephesians 4:30-32
When we are offended and we fail to forgive, we become bitter, and then bitterness swells that will develop into anger which like a volcano, your anger will explode into rage! Then when you come to church you will tend to talk to others against the person who offended you, even resulting to slandering him/her. Eventually when these words get into each others ears brawling could ensue. Every time you see that person in church or somewhere else, you will always suspect him of plotting against you especially when he is talking to your friends. Nothing will he/she do that will mean any good to you but you will always suspect him/her of plotting against you even the good deeds that he/she does.
Dangerous place to be. That is why we are commanded to forgive because an unforgiving person is not able to do anything for the glory of God. Even when we offer our offerings to God, it is not glorifying to Him unless our hands are clean.
"leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift." Matthew 5:24
Forgive and Forget. This is what we advise people who are having a hard time forgiving. But is it really possible for someone to forget after he or she has forgiven an offender?
"Then he adds: 'Their sins and lawless acts I will remember no more.' And where these have been forgiven, there is no longer any sacrifice for sin." Hebrews 10:17-18
Does the all knowing God really remember no more? Is that possible? What does this mean? I believe this simply means that He will not hold these forgiven offenses against us anymore.
It is one thing to talk about God's forgiveness towards us and another when we talk about one man forgiving another. Our traumatic memories will never allow us to forget the offense nor the offender. But since our hearts need to be protected from the poison of bitterness, we must forgive and forget. This simply means we will not hold these offense against the offender any more. We will not keep any list that will be taken out every time you want to point out the offenders faults or worse yet, for you to resort to "emotional blackmail".
It is not easy to do this. You notice that even after you have forgiven, you would rather not deal with that person again. We prefer to avoid encountering that person for as long as we hurt. No, we should not become unguarded and fall victim into the same offense again knowingly but we must not dismiss a person just for the fear of being hurt again. That person needs you and your gifts as much as you need that person in the church with all his warts and pimples. God provided you to each other for your edification with all your strengths and weaknesses.
Our churches will never be conflict free until the Lord returns. Let us not throw the baby with the bath water. You need the church and the church needs you. God will give you grace to be able to go through the trials even in the church. I assure you, you will be better in spite of it . . . . . you will be better because of it. Just be quick to forgive. It is better by far.
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